2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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