I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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