Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
