He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
