After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
