i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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