recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
