I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
