shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
