Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
