I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
