Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
