he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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