Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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