Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
