It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
