So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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