Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
