I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
