im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
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I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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