I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
