thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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