hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The best revenge is premature balding
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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