Your dad touched me again.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
