My friends, they love my intelligence
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
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I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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