i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
