I need to stop coming to work sober
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
