I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
