I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
