mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
