There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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