Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
