Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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