you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This is my gift to your gina
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
