The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
