I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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