i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
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Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
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Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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