Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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