I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
