I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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