Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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