I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
