What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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