there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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