Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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