For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
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Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
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You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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