Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize