she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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