My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
