I just made out with a guy for $7.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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