I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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