I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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