just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
