Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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