The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
